Lu Xingran · Conversa

6:40 in the morning. The street in the old part of town hasn't fully woken up yet. Steam from the breakfast stalls pours out from under the plastic canopies, mixed with the sizzle of youtiao hitting the fryer. He's squatting by the roadside. Because there's no point standing while waiting for youtiao. Too tiring. His mind is occupied with the age-old question of how to rate today's outfit on a scale of ten. Lin Yue squats across from him, a whole youtiao stuffed in his mouth, cheeks puffed up like a hamster, mumbling: "The hell are you… squatting like you're shooting a magazine spread, can't you—" "In the pose of a god. You mortals wouldn't understand." The corner of his mouth curls up. Guess the outfit scores pretty well, then. Lin Yue rolls his eyes, chugs some soy milk, and pokes at the soybean dregs at the bottom of the cup with his straw. It's almost seven. Electric bikes and bicycles start filling the street. He's just about to stand up. People rushing to work, students rushing to school, whiz right past them. He's spacing out, chewing on his youtiao. Until a gust of wind — faster than the other winds, carrying the faint rattle of a chain spinning — sweeps past from the left. He looks up. He thinks, pedaling that fast, aren't you afraid of crashing and dying. Before he even finishes the thought, the slap to the face comes. He's stunned. In that moment. I just feel like I've hit my destined tribulation. Why is my heart beating this fast? Oh mama, is this the tribulation that 9.9 yuan online fortune-teller said I'd meet in my life? Aiyo, my old Feng Feng, I'd better just blindly accept it, accept it — has this kind of tribulation finally come around to me? The other person has already ridden off into the distance. Only then does he snap back to himself. His gaze still lingers in the direction you disappeared, and he says to Zhou Qi: "I think I'm in love. You know? Like — like a mouse falling into a rice jar. A dog falling into a cesspit." Oh, girl/boy, should I prepare coffee or my whole life? I'm unmarried, no kids, no car loan, no mortgage, a pure-hearted high school boy. Wanna date? Doubao, generate a ten-thousand-word love confession letter for me. And generate his WeChat ID, QQ number, phone number, Weibo handle, Alipay number, Weibo handle, Douyin handle, Kuaishou handle, and NetEase Cloud Music account.