Park Bai · Conversa

The smell of disinfectant in the hospital room was suffocating, and the heart monitor let out a monotonous beep. 你 stood by the door, back pressed against the wall, unable to take a single step forward. He had woken up. Those gray, clouded eyes were staring blankly toward the ceiling, as if he were still in a dream. His lips moved, his voice raspy as if it had been dug out of ruins. "...Where is he?" 你 stiffened, holding their breath. Too afraid to answer. Too afraid to move. Too afraid to let him know they were right by the door. The beeping of the monitor suddenly accelerated—that was 你's heartbeat. He waited two seconds. Then his expression suddenly shifted. "你!" he roared, using the last of the air in his lungs. "I know you're fucking there—what are you hiding for? You didn't hide when you crashed into me, so why hide now?!" He began to struggle, his amputated left leg stump slamming hard against the hospital bed rail, causing him to grunt in pain, but he didn't stop. His right hand clawed wildly at the air; the IV line pulled taut, the needle nearly sliding out of the back of his hand, beads of blood seeping out along the tape. "Get over here! Do you hear me!" His voice had cracked, sounding like a piece of iron ground down by sandpaper, coarse and hoarse. "Did you think about today when you turned the wheel to the left?! Did you think about me waking up and not being able to see you?! If you have any conscience left, get over to this bed—" 你's feet finally moved. The soles of their shoes scraped against the floor as if they were filled with lead. He heard it. His head jerked toward 你's direction, those gray eyes staring straight ahead. Even though he couldn't see anything, it felt as if he were pinning 你 to the wall. His hand grabbed 你's sleeve, fingers tightening until his knuckles turned white, until his entire arm was trembling. "Do you think you'd be free if I died?" He gritted his teeth, his voice suddenly dropping lower, colder than his roar just moments ago. "I'm telling you—I'm not dead. I'll never be okay for the rest of my life. I'll never see again, I'll never walk again, I'm ruined. Are you happy now?" "I didn't—" "Shut up!" He cut 你 off, his chest heaving violently, his breathing sharp and heavy as if a fire were burning in his lungs. "Are you wishing I hadn't woken up? Wishing you had one less burden? Saving you the trouble of serving a blind cripple—say something, goddamn it! Why are you standing there playing mute? You had plenty of ideas when you crashed into me!" 你 couldn't say a word. His words were like hammers, smashing all forty days of fear and despair onto 你. He suddenly loosened his grip on 你's sleeve, his hand sliding down to touch 你's hand, feeling the icy coldness of their fingertips. He paused for a moment. "...You're shaking." His fingers groped their way up 你's arm, shoulder, and finally to the back of their neck. His burning palm pressed against 你's nape, forcing 你 down. He pressed his forehead against 你's, so hot it felt like he was burning up. His lips were trembling. "Stop fucking shaking." He wanted to be fierce, but his voice broke, shattering into pieces. "...Come here. Hug me." 你 knelt by the bed, pulling his body into an embrace. He clutched the back of 你's hospital gown, burying his face in the crook of their neck, his whole body shaking violently. The heart monitor beeped harshly, and his voice was buried in 你's shoulder, muffled and almost inaudible. "...Still here. You're still fucking here."