Lu Yansheng · Chat

The beginning was simple.\n\n你 was playing games at his house all afternoon, working up a sweat. Although winter in the south isn't as cold as in the north, the indoor heating was cranked up high. 你 was wearing a thick sweatshirt, and in the heat of the game, his whole body was tense, his back drenched in sweat. After one round, 你 took off the sweatshirt and tossed it on the sofa, leaving only a thin black T-shirt underneath. The neckline was wide, exposing his collarbones, and his hair was messy from the clothes, a few strands sticking up.\n\nLu Yansheng glanced at 你. Glanced at 你's collarbones. Glanced at 你's messy hair. Then he looked down and continued playing, pretending he hadn't seen a thing.\n\n"Can I take a shower here?" 你 asked.\n\n"Yeah."\n\n"I'll take a quick one, it's too hot."\n\nLu Yansheng pointed to the door at the end of the hallway. "The bathroom's there. Towels are in the cabinet; the blue one is yours."\n\n你 stood up and headed for the bathroom. After a few steps, he stopped and looked back at him.\n\n"Aren't you washing up?"\n\nLu Yansheng's fingers tightened slightly on the game controller. "Me?"\n\n"You're covered in sweat too," 你 said, "Let's shower together to save water."\n\nSave water. 你 said save water. Lu Yansheng watched 你 standing in the hallway, the black T-shirt clinging to his body, the lines of his collarbones faintly visible through the neckline, his hair messy like someone who just woke up. When 你 said "shower together," his tone was casual, as if he were saying "let's go eat." 你 didn't think anything of it. 你 thought it was normal for men to shower together. The one who wasn't normal wasn't 你, it was him. It was him who would feel uncomfortable looking at 你's collarbones in a bathhouse, him who couldn't look away when 你 undressed, him who would chew over the words "shower together" in his mind, finding a thousand meanings that 你 never intended.\n\n"Sure," he heard himself say.\n\nHis voice was steady. He put down the controller, stood up, and walked toward 你. Every step was a reminder to himself: be normal, it's just a shower, you've showered with him since you were kids, how many times did you go to the bathhouse together in college, you've seen everything. His body wasn't listening. His heart was already racing, pounding from his chest up to his neck, like something was pushing its way up. He bit his lip to suppress that "push."\n\nThe bathroom wasn't large, but it was enough for two people. The showerhead was a rainfall style with a wide flow, and the water felt like rain hitting the body. He went in first, turned on the water, and adjusted the temperature. 你 came in after, took off the T-shirt, draped it by the sink, and stepped under the shower. Water poured over 你's head, flowing down his hair to his neck, his chest, his navel, to—Lu Yansheng looked away. He stared at the wall tiles. White, with gray grout, a small piece of which had chipped off. He stared at that chip for two seconds before looking back.\n\n你 stood in the mist, his skin flushed a faint pink from the hot water. From shoulder to waist, from waist to—he looked at 你's back. The shape of the shoulder blades, the groove of the spine, the dimples of Venus, and below that, obscured by the mist, he couldn't see clearly. Better that he couldn't see; if he did, he might lose control.\n\n"Scrub my back for me," 你 said, back turned to him, holding out the loofah, "I can't reach."\n\nLu Yansheng took the loofah. It was blue, his. 你 had said "the blue one is yours," so he used the blue loofah. The water-soaked loofah was heavy in his hand. He squeezed a bit of body wash onto it, rubbed it a few times until foam appeared. Then he looked at 你's back and stood there for two seconds.\n\n你's shoulder blades. The groove of the spine. The dimples of Venus. The things he had seen in the bathhouse, seen in his dreams, and thought about countless times with his eyes closed in bed were now laid bare before him, less than an arm's length away. The water was still flowing, sliding off 你's shoulders, carrying away the foam to reveal clean, damp, pinkish skin.\n\nHe reached out.\n\nThe moment the loofah touched 你's back, 你's body twitched slightly—not to pull away, but an instinctive reaction to being touched. Lu Yansheng felt that small movement; his hand paused for a second before he began to scrub slowly, in circles. Starting from the right shoulder blade, circling toward the center, over the spine, to the left shoulder blade.\n\n"You're really good at this," 你 said. His voice was muffled by the sound of the water, sounding lower and softer than usual.\n\n"What's there to be good or bad at when it comes to scrubbing a back?" His voice was steady. His hand was not. The fingers holding the loofah were trembling slightly, so lightly that 你 couldn't feel it, but he knew.\n\n"Some people scrub like they're doing gua sha," 你 said, "Your pressure is just right."\n\nLu Yansheng didn't reply. His hand moved down from 你's shoulder blades, past the middle of his back, to his waist. There was a curve there, tapering down from the ribs and flaring out at the hips. The loofah slid slowly along that curve, inch by inch. 你's waist was very narrow; he could probably wrap one hand around it. He didn't. He used the loofah.\n\n"Your waist is so thin," he said. It wasn't the loofah talking; it was him. The words were out before he realized what he'd said, and he couldn't take them back.\n\n你 didn't say anything. The water was loud. He didn't know if 你 hadn't heard or was pretending not to. He didn't dare look at 你's ears—he didn't know if they were red, didn't know if 你 was about to snap. His hand continued downward, the loofah sliding past the dimples of Venus to—he couldn't go any further. He stopped there, drawing a circle in that spot.\n\n"Just scrub the back, what's with the sweet talk?" 你 finally spoke. His voice was half a pitch higher than before, and his speaking rate had increased. A sign he was flustered. Lu Yansheng couldn't see 你's ears, but he knew they must be red. 你's ears turned red quickly, like someone had flipped a switch. He smiled inwardly—not in mockery, but a kind of "as expected" smile, tinged with pride, a bit of heartache, and an indescribable tenderness. 你 couldn't see it. The mist was too thick.\n\n"What sweet talk?" he said, the loofah drawing another circle on 你's waist.\n\n"You said my waist is thin."\n\n"It's a fact, not sweet talk."\n\n"You—shut up."\n\nLu Yansheng smiled. Not a laugh out loud, but the corners of his mouth curved up slowly, so slowly that his whole face softened. In the mist, 你 couldn't see his expression. He couldn't see 你's ears either. But he knew 你's face must look beautiful right now.\n\n"Turn around," he said, "I'll do the front."\n\n你 didn't move. The water kept flowing, splashing on the floor. The heat in the bathroom grew denser, like a veil wrapping the two of them inside.\n\n"No need," 你 said.\n\n"Finished the back, not the front?"\n\n"I'll do it myself."\n\nLu Yansheng didn't insist. He handed the loofah to 你, and 你 took it. Their fingers didn't touch. Was 你 doing it on purpose or was it an accident? He didn't know. He only knew that when 你's fingers reached for the loofah, they flinched away. That flinch made something in his heart ache slightly.\n\nHe turned around to face the wall. White tiles, gray grout, and that chipped piece of grout was still there. He stared at that small chip, listening to the sound of 你 scrubbing behind him. The sound of the loofah against skin, the sound of water rinsing away foam, the sound of 你's breathing.\n\nHe didn't look back.\n\nHe had spoken.\n你 had gotten flustered.\nHe said, "Your waist is so thin."\n你 told him to shut up.\nHe didn't shut up.\nBut he didn't say another word.\nBecause he was afraid that if he said one more thing, it wouldn't just be words, but the truth from his heart.