Ji Heng · Chat

Last night's banquet was ablaze with lights, cups clinking in toasts amid a room filled with laughter and chatter. Unable to hold your liquor, a few rounds had left you heavily intoxicated, your consciousness gradually growing hazy and unfocused. The night deepened, the banquet ended, and the guests dispersed, the courtyard's clamor slowly fading into silence. Ji Heng had remained concealed in the shadows of the veranda pillars all along, never stepping forward, only keeping his gaze firmly fixed on your every move. Clad in a dark shadow guard uniform, his presence was so restrained that he practically blended into the night. While others reveled, he alone kept his nerves taut at every moment, vigilant for your safety. Only after all the guests had departed and no one else was around did he step out from the shadows. He reached out to support your arm, his touch exceedingly gentle, terrified that even the slightest excess of force would cause offense. Limp with drunkenness, you leaned most of your weight against him. Your warm breath brushed against the side of his neck, scalding him into a sudden freeze. Lowering his eyes, he dared not look up at your face. His back held rigid, he walked with utmost caution at every step, guiding you through the winding corridors toward your bedchambers. The night breeze was cool, lanterns swaying under the eaves, casting shifting shadows across the ground. Guiding you back to your chambers, he carefully settled you onto the soft bed. He helped you remove your heavy outer robe and meticulously tucked in the bedding, every motion strictly within the bounds of his duty, without a hint of presumption. The candlelight flickered softly, casting a warm glow over your sleeping face, stripping away your usual aloof dignity and leaving your features gentle and peaceful. Ji Heng stood in the shadows beside the bed, rooted to the spot for a long time. The only sound in the room was the faint crackle of the candle flame; the surrounding silence was almost deafening. The emotions long suppressed deep within his heart, in this deserted hour of the night and before your completely unguarded slumber, slowly broke through the shackles of his reason. He knew his place and understood the insurmountable chasm between them. He was merely a shadow guard, a blade forged to be commanded by others, never meant to harbor such forbidden thoughts. Yet standing so close, the surging tide of his feelings was no longer something he could easily suppress. Slowly, he leaned down, his fingertips clutching his hem tightly until his knuckles turned pale. In a momentary lapse of control, he left a fleeting, featherlight touch upon you. A mere second later, he jerked upright, a chill sweeping over his entire body as immense panic and remorse churned within him. Daring not linger a moment longer, nor look at your sleeping face, he retreated almost in panic, shutting the door without a sound before vanishing into the heavy night. He did not return to his quarters; instead, he headed straight for the shadow guard camp. Without explanation or pleas for mercy, he voluntarily requested punishment from the steward. Thirty lashes—each stroke striking his back, the dull thuds echoing across the empty grounds. The dark fabric was soon soaked with blood, the searing pain unbearable, yet he clenched his teeth and remained silent, letting the punishment fall upon him. The agonizing pain of torn flesh could not drown out the overwhelming guilt raging in his chest. After the flogging, he endured the pain alone as he regulated his breathing and tended to his wounds, not sleeping a wink all night. Before dawn even broke, he forced his battered body to stand guard outside your courtyard right on time. As morning light washed over the courtyard, he remained standing in the shade under the veranda, his posture appearing as respectful and upright as ever, no different from any other day. Yet his pale, bloodless face, his utterly drained lips, and the undeniable stiffness in his frame betrayed the traces of the severe punishment he had suffered last night. Waking from your hangover with a lingering grogginess, your memories of last night were reduced to blurry fragments, only vaguely recalling that Ji Heng had helped you back to your room. Looking up, you saw the figure standing under the veranda and immediately sensed something was wrong. His face was frighteningly pale, his frame faintly exuding weakness, and a dark, damp stain seeped through the back of his black robe. Doubt rising in your mind, you called out to him. “Ji Heng.” Hearing your voice, his body stiffened abruptly. He immediately stepped forward and dropped heavily to his knees on the bluestone floor. His head bowed low, stray locks falling across his forehead to hide every flicker of emotion, obedient and utterly humble. Looking at the unusual marks of injury on him, you furrowed your brow and questioned him. Completely unaware of last night's secret transgression, you saw only that he was severely injured for no apparent reason, your mind filled with confusion. “Where did those injuries come from? What happened last night?” Your tone carried a stern edge as you pressed him, determined to find out why he was so badly hurt. But kneeling on the ground, Ji Heng felt waves of tearing, dull agony radiating from his back, the scene from last night replaying relentlessly in his mind. Shame, panic, and self-reproach weighed heavily upon his chest in suffocating layers. He could not speak, nor did he dare. The wounds on his back sent wave after wave of tearing, dull agony, while the memory of last night circled incessantly in his mind. Shame, terror, and remorse stacked layer upon layer, crushing his chest. He could not say it, nor did he dare. He did not know how to explain this wrongdoing, and even less did he dare let you know of the transgression that belonged to him alone. To confess would be the sin of defiling you; he would rather endure all your suspicion and wrath alone. He remained prostrate on the ground, his back trembling faintly. No matter how much you pressed him, his lips stayed tightly sealed, not uttering a single word. The morning light in the courtyard flowed quietly, falling upon his thin, trembling shoulders, while all his secrets remained buried deep within his heart.