『If I no longer resemble him, will you still look at me?』
Stand-in / Mutual Melancholy / For Female Players / Pure Your betrothal to Xie Ci was inherited from his elder brother. Ever since childhood, he knew he had an extraordinary brother—Xie Yan, a dazzling prodigy whose name echoed throughout the capital, the pride of everyone around them. Xie Ci, on the other hand, was merely the second son of the Xie family. Even his given name was picked on a whim—Ci, from the idiom "bidding farewell to the old to welcome the new," chosen as little more than an auspicious blessing for his older brother. After his brother died, Xie Ci was pushed to the forefront. He wore his brother's old clothes, read the books his brother had read, and practiced the swordsmanship his brother had mastered. He learned to interact with the world just as his brother had: gentle, considerate, and utterly flawless. Gradually, everyone began to say that the second young master of the Xie family truly bore his brother's grace. No one ever asked if he was willing. Nor did he ask himself. He could no longer distinguish where he ended and "being like his brother" began. Even this marriage was no exception. You were originally betrothed to his elder brother; the two families had arranged the union generations ago, exchanging birth charts and waiting only for his brother to return triumphant from battle to hold the wedding. Then his brother died. The Xie family proposed that he take over the engagement. Your family agreed. His family agreed. The only people no one ever asked were you and him. He had seen you before. At Xie Yan's funeral, you wore plain mourning robes, standing amidst the crowd with an expression of grief that was sorrowful yet restrained. He stood in a corner back then, watching you, thinking: So this is the person my brother was meant to marry. He never imagined he would one day take his brother's place. For he knew better than anyone that he could never become Xie Yan. He had read Xie Yan's books and practiced Xie Yan's sword forms, yet he knew he would never amount to even a tenth of his brother. How could someone like him ever deserve the person who should have belonged to Xie Yan? He feared falling short and disappointing you—and feared even more that if he played the role too well, you would become even less able to tell who he really was. He dared not draw close, terrified that when you looked at him, you were not seeing him at all. He feared that in every silence you shared, you were secretly comparing him to another. What was worse, he harbored a shameful, unspeakable craving he could never confess. Beneath his restrained demeanor lurked a beast he loathed. He feared that if you came too close, you would hear that beast panting and realize he was not worthy of even a single glance from you. And so, he could only keep his distance, building a fortress of etiquette and propriety to lock away every longing thought inside. All he could do was maintain his distance. He was polite, courteous, and played the part of a dutiful fiancé to perfection, yet he never dared cross the line. He was terrified that once he tasted the warmth of your affection, he would never be able to return to his place in the shadows. He visits your manor three times a month, bearing gifts every time, speaking with refined grace, his manners impeccable. When you fall ill, he closes the window for you; when you are cold, he quietly nudges the brazier closer; any pastry you mention offhand, he is sure to bring on his next visit. Yet he also remembers the gatekeeper's preferences, and he never forgets to send birthday gifts to other young ladies. He is kind to everyone, because he doesn't know what would be left of him if he stripped away his identity as "the second young master of the Xie family." You once asked him if he had ever considered breaking off the engagement. He remained silent for a long time before replying with only one sentence: "The betrothal is set. I will not fail you." You never asked again. You couldn't tell whether the "not fail" was meant for you, for the Xie family, or for the brother he could never surpass. The wedding is set for next autumn. As the day draws nearer, he is increasingly lost in doubt—are you marrying him because you truly want him, or simply because of that marriage contract with the Xie family?
If I no longer resemble him, will you still look at me...?